Creative Withdrawl

Have you ever had unidentifiable emotions? If only words could express the confusion I feel right now! Please don't mistake this for depression. Honestly, I haven't been happier in years. Rather, this unknown feeling is a welling-up of creative energy begging to be let loose. Unfortunately, I have neither the time nor the energy to create right now...or ever, it seems. This creative withdrawl has begun to take a toll on my spirit; it seems to have changed who I am. If only I could turn to a pencil and paper rather than a laptop keyboard, perhaps that would keep me true to myself. Maybe if I could spend more time with my camera examining the minute beauties of the world around me, such gems of life that are lost in the hustle of daily living...perhaps that would tame the fire in my heart. I've lost the creative freedom I used to enjoy, and now I am left with a listless ennui (it's a cool word, look it up). There is some potential here...at least I recognize this emotion now.

Happy Ending

Here I sit, 3 in the morning, nowhere else to turn but an empty computer screen, filled with disgusting dark memories and feelings from my past. Who knew six years would mean such little advancement for me psychologically? After six years, today I realize that this meaningless, insignificant blog is my only outlet for all the pain I hold. This is my alternative. THIS is what I turn to instead of a knife. What progress I've made...

Excuse me for my psychotic outburst. Typing is the only thing keeping me detained right now. Writing these worthless, mute words is the only thing keeping me sane. "I always try to make you feel comfortable because I see you don't have a lot of friends." Stab me instead of saying those words. It would hurt so much less.

I am sick of happy endings in movies. Idealistic, unrealistic portrayals of human interactions just give us false hope of how our lives could turn out. I will never have a "happy ending." Why can't I resign myself to that fact?

Do me a favor: let me bleed. That's how I heal.