Random Ranting

I really should be sleeping right now. Six hours from now, when I wake up due to the stress-induced heart attack caused by knowing I'm going to be late for work, I'll think back to this moment when I decided to write instead of sleep. With that in mind...

I watched the dorkiest movie on Friday: All About Steve. Wow, it's dorky. But the reason I bring it up is because it had such a nice message. I was thrilled with how it ended; not your usual Hollywood ending that you all know I love so well. Anyway, if you haven't seen it, it's cute and funny.

My new job starts a week from tomorrow and my feelings about it range from excitement to slight nervousness (normal, I suppose). The prospect of leaving Starbucks is like a carrot dangling in front of me, keeping me going for these last few shifts. Somehow, things get worse and worse as the end of my employment nears. I don't remember ever hating Starbucks this much, and yet I can't recall a time when I didn't. Hopefully the new page I'm turning won't be so odious as this job has been!

Well, this has been a short and calm version of my ranting. I really should go to sleep, because I wasn't kidding about the stress-induced heart attack! Sleeping in is my favorite pastime!

Creative Withdrawl

Have you ever had unidentifiable emotions? If only words could express the confusion I feel right now! Please don't mistake this for depression. Honestly, I haven't been happier in years. Rather, this unknown feeling is a welling-up of creative energy begging to be let loose. Unfortunately, I have neither the time nor the energy to create right now...or ever, it seems. This creative withdrawl has begun to take a toll on my spirit; it seems to have changed who I am. If only I could turn to a pencil and paper rather than a laptop keyboard, perhaps that would keep me true to myself. Maybe if I could spend more time with my camera examining the minute beauties of the world around me, such gems of life that are lost in the hustle of daily living...perhaps that would tame the fire in my heart. I've lost the creative freedom I used to enjoy, and now I am left with a listless ennui (it's a cool word, look it up). There is some potential here...at least I recognize this emotion now.

Happy Ending

Here I sit, 3 in the morning, nowhere else to turn but an empty computer screen, filled with disgusting dark memories and feelings from my past. Who knew six years would mean such little advancement for me psychologically? After six years, today I realize that this meaningless, insignificant blog is my only outlet for all the pain I hold. This is my alternative. THIS is what I turn to instead of a knife. What progress I've made...

Excuse me for my psychotic outburst. Typing is the only thing keeping me detained right now. Writing these worthless, mute words is the only thing keeping me sane. "I always try to make you feel comfortable because I see you don't have a lot of friends." Stab me instead of saying those words. It would hurt so much less.

I am sick of happy endings in movies. Idealistic, unrealistic portrayals of human interactions just give us false hope of how our lives could turn out. I will never have a "happy ending." Why can't I resign myself to that fact?

Do me a favor: let me bleed. That's how I heal.

Cloudy Morning

I couldn't believe I was able to go to the Assembly! Both days the sun was pouring through the clouds producing beautiful rays of light angling toward the earth. That always makes for a more enjoyable ride!

Snow From My Pillow

Hello faithful blog followers! (AKA, mom lol)

So I'm sitting in bed, as per the norm this past week, when a flood of memories comes rushing upon me. I moved to Pocatello in February 2006. It was quite a change from the long summers of Arizona (especially considering that year was abnormally warm in February). There was something about this quaint little town that was especially intriguing to all of us. Personally, I think it's the old-time back drop and the laid-back life style to match. April and I went out in service with a couple of sisters from the Highland congregation on a Wednesday morning. It was snowing. It had been years since we'd seen a good snow like that one.

Have you ever seen something ordinary and been transformed to a memory? I looked out my window this morning and was met with a soft white winter wonderland. Instantly: I had the feeling of my itchy wool coat that I desperately try to shield from my skin. The long fluffy scarf wrapped several times, mittens that make my hand three times bigger and inhibiting any useful function, and of course the boots that, try as I might, could never help me look like a lady. After all of this effort in preparing for the day, my cheeks still get rosy from the crisp air. The day culminates in me curling up in an ultra soft fleece blanket, hulled up in the house in the warm company of family. That's why I love snow in Pocatello...even when I'm house-bound!

Perfect Paradise

Today I write out of desperation, my last resort, my final attempt at finding some sort of solace in the chaotic hell my life has become. I haven't felt this internally out-of-control in several years. Explaining the situation will do no good. I only wish I could properly explain the way I'm feeling in words. Why does this always happen to the people I care about the most? Not that I would wish it on anyone else, but it seems like it all gets piled on at once.

I had lunch with a sister today who told me she thinks that we're even closer to the end of this system than even the brothers let on. She said she thinks we're actually in the Great Tribulation NOW! We're all waiting for this cry of peace and security, but what if it's already happened? What if the next thing we see is the destruction of false religion? Her logic made sense to me. Things have gotten worse than I could ever have imagined. Honestly, I think that if the Apostle Paul were on earth today even he would be shocked. My mom has now been battling cancer for more than half her life. I've personally suffered for more than 15 years with a disgusting disorder that has surprisingly not yet inspired me to take my own life. I've fought to reason with myself in times when reason is the furthest thing from my mind and spent countless nights crying myself to sleep wondering if it's even worth continuing to live. If these were isolated or seldom occurrences, it wouldn't prove anything. But really how common it is! And now, I see how much worse things are getting. We're all so wrapped up in the problems we've been facing for so many years that we can't even see that this system is tumbling to it's dramatic demise! Can we really not endure just a little while longer? Honestly, I don't know if I can.

In case anyone hasn't noticed yet, I try to make all the titles of my blogs "paradoxical" in some way. Can anyone tell if there really is such a thing as a perfect paradise?

As Good As Gold

I've been getting let down quite a bit lately. Whenever that happens, I usually think a lot about different quotes and stuff that kind of reassure me that I'm definitely right. Sad, I know. For example, when someone goes through some kind of hardship like losing a loved one in death... how people will say things like "just let me know if I can help" or "I will be there for you no matter what." Ok, first of all, you want to know if you can help? You think there's a chance this person won't need help after what they've been through? I think it would be safe to assume that even the crankiest loner-iest person on earth likes to have a companion, someone to depend on when times get tough. So why do people always seem to say the same useless, trite words of "comfort?"

In answer to that question, many might reason "they meant well." That's about as helpful as a bowl of ice in a blizzard. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." I appreciate the thought, people, but that won't keep the snow from falling. Maybe I'm mixing my metaphors. Oh well. Very few things in life are as good as gold. They are as follows:

1.) Jehovah's promises (better than gold, but let's not get wrapped up in semantics)
2.) Gold
3.) Real friends, who intend to help...and follow through

One of my favorite poems is by Robert Frost called "Nothing Gold Can Stay" (I know, not very original, but check it out)

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay

Clearly, our friend Robert is quite the pessimist in this aspect, but I think I agree with him about 90 percent of the time. Usually, the beginning of all things is the most beautiful part of it (just like nature's first green, spring green!). Personally, I've noticed that it's almost impossible to retain that initial beauty ("but only so an hour" or a short period of time). It seems like as soon as things start to look beautiful, "leaf subsides to leaf," or things start to fade from perfection to devastation. You see, almost "nothing gold can stay."

Spring is over for me. Pocatello was my "Eden," and now it is my "grief." I can't tell you why. I think I've allowed my expectations to be too high too much, and now my heart has been broken so many times I can hardly put the pieces back together. At times of feeling so helpless, I like to remember the good things. I never would have met Liz and Jeremiah if we hadn't lived here. She is my sister for life, and if I hadn't met her I think my life would have always lacked a little bit of sunshine and love. Maybe there's more out there for me. Maybe grief is holding me back. I need to get rid of this "gold," and move on.